I miss you

I'm missing you. You are so far away, But I know you are having fun, I love you.

we must choose

Be quiet. Do not be selfish. Never have a voice. Do not complain. these are the things you must do to be held in high regard. If it hurts grin and bear it. If it's wrong ignore it, and submit to authority, no matter the abuse of power, and you will climb high on the social ladder. Do not slander a mans good name, even though it has become good under false pretense. When someone ask how you are, never tell them the truth, or you may loose a connection in society. You may need that later.
But, I ask, what do I need from society that I cannot make for myself? Do I really care what society says it can do for me? Or for that matter, what it THINKS of me? All society does is bleeds my soul dry, One drop at a time, until I am a complete social zombie. It rots every thing I am from the inside out. Until I become just one more snobbish drone, numbed by pain and fear from the powers that be corrupt.
Why work so hard to gain favor from the man? F**k the man! I do not need your approval or any strength that YOU think that YOU can give to me. If anything you drain my strength, and anything good that was once in me. There is life in this shell of mine yet, and it grows stronger every day and at the right time, in it's season, it will tear all those walls built in my mind, and around my heart by the evil that is you.
I will be frowned upon in society, and I will be talked about in a most unsavory way, but that will not stop me, because those who choose to do so are the drones who cannot think for themselves. I will not hold a grudge, for I know they are controlled by their insecurities, their fears of not being accepted into society, and being separated from the pack, just like I had been at one time. And I know that they too can, and maybe they will, one day CHOOSE , to live their own life, without fear of judgment, or torment from the other drones. But as for me, TODAY I CHOOSE my life to be my own. Governed by me...

We all choose who will influence our lives. By not choosing we are making the choice to allow chaos to influence all we do, and who we become. Choose only those influences who you know can be trusted with your very life. I choose God and myself. Who will you choose?

I long for you

I am so alone, I wish you were here,
I feel you've been gone for millions of years.
I never meant to love you so much,
or to long for the warmth, and the strength of your touch.
I long for your smile, and the scent of your hair,
I long for your touch, and the fire that burns there.
I long for your voice to say, "It's alright"
I long for your arms to hold me all night
when...

(well that is all that I wrote, then got distracted and never finished)

dilemma

I am feeling down today. I just feel like I am trapped, and I do not know if I will ever be free to live my life normal again. I would not feel so trapped, if I knew that my kids were not so well guarded against everything that has been going on between their dad and I all these years. I have learned how to keep a good face on all my hurts and pains. I am an enabler. When my husband has done things to hurt or wound me, I would act like it was all ok in front of others in order to keep a scene from being made. including in front of my children.
Now that I am willing to stand and fight, I don't think there is a way that I can make my children understand. I don't think that they would believe me if I tried to explain. I think it would be better if I just live and fight how I feel I need to and then let them figure it out later, after I am seen as the bad guy. I am too tired physically from trying to figure out how to explain to them how miserable I am, and how much I cannot stand their dad. I can't just stay here and allow him to keep me and them trapped, while he continues to play his mind games, and works on further controlling and brainwashing me and my children.
I don't know. If you have any ideas of how to solve my dilemma (based on the limited info. you have) I would love to hear them.

sometimes

Sometimes, I just need to see you
Sometimes, I just need the brush of your hand.
Sometimes, I just need to nuzzle into your neck, and breathe in your skin.
Sometimes, I just need your hug.
Sometimes, I just need to see you smile.
Sometimes, I just need to get lost in your eyes for hours.
Sometimes, I Just need to play in your hair, and breathe it's sweetness in deep.
Sometimes, I just need you.
But right now, I just need to lay wrapped around you, and you around me, for days on end.

my everything

You are the earth as it moves, silently strong beneath me.
You hung the moon, and lit the stars,
to light my way into your deep shadowed caves.
where I can hide and find refuge from my enemies.
You are powerful. Many will go when you say go
But none will go as far, as I.
So tell me, just speak it, and wherever you say go, I will go.
whatever you say do, I will do.
I just pray, that you tell me:
GO by your side, and
DO pleasure in your company, for all eternity.
If you send me away, I will go.
But I will die of heartache, never to return.

life close to the end?

I feel trapped in my own home, a prisoner. I do not know how long it might take before my time on this earth has ended, so I wanted to start putting things in here at miscellaneous intervals, that I have written or that has significance to me from over the past several years. Some of it may be poetry, or it may just be thoughts I had written down for a certain day or time. I just want to have a way to leave behind clues to my life, just in case I cease to exist. I do not share with very many people. I am a very private person, don't mean to be, but over time I have come to greatly distrust everyone. Not because everyone is distrustable, but you see, I have lived with someone who has taken every little piece of breath that, not only I breathe, but that everyone around me breathes, and he uses it for leverage to control every situation around him. And he especially tries to control me, and makes me his little puppet. He has even lied to people we go to church with straight to their faces and drawn me in to be his accomplice, and I did it too, just because at the time I was so taken back that I didn't know what else to do. Not to mention the fact that it was the "religious" thing to do. You know, you should never call your husband out to be a liar, and you should always be supportive of him. So basically I became his protector and accomplice, and have been living with him for 16+ years in a complete lie. I don't think this is what God intended for anyone by the way. I love God with all my heart, but the organized church on the other hand, has their own set of issues, and I can't hardly stand church people (well at least the biggest portion of them) And I regret the years that I have spent trying to become like them, because they said that is what I was supposed to do. Anyway maybe one day I will write my life story from beginning to end, that might help fill in some gaps here and there, but until then I just want to throw out some scraps here and there.
This is something I wrote about a week before Christmas, I wrote it for a friend that I have made, but because of the my husband is so jelous of anytime I spend anywhere other than with him, he has screwed her life up more than it already was, and has caused me to hate him more:

I wish I could just be alone with you right now, so we could just sit and talk.
I wish I could make it all okay, and make all your fears go away.
I know you don't understand why I don't rush to your side,
to hold your hand, and dry your tears.
I wish I could, but I fear that if I touch you, you will not want my touch...
If I were to speak, I would cause your world to crumble.
You put up such a strong front, but I see your fragile shell.
And I am so afraid that I might break it if I am to careless in what I say or do.
I too am fragile, and I see that I am not the only one you long to be near.
I want only happiness for you, so I try standing still at a distance,
with my heart breaking, my stomach turning, not knowing what I can do.
I wish I knew what to do to make you happy, and just to let you know how much I love you.

I wrote this before I knew that he had meddled in her family life and caused a lot of trouble for them. I think he thinks I have been having an affair with her because she and I have grown so close in the last few months. This is the way he acts if I make any friends that he is not around, and close with too. I am so sick of living like this. I wish I could fix things for her, but I think it will be better for her, if I just go on like I never met her. I love her so much, maybe I would have liked to have an affair with her, I am so tired of living alone. I have so many friends and family that love me, but they will never understand the loneliness that I feel, because of the isolation that has been created in this 16 year lie I have been living. Oh and for the record, the only reason why I have stayed is because of my children. They too have been in this lifelong charade, thinking that everything is perfect. how can I tell them how it has all really been, all these years, and expect them to understand? Anyway, enough for now. maybe more later.

I miss you

Today is a nice day,
The sun is shining bright
the birds are singing loud
the sky is baby blue,
in the sky, not a cloud

where are you...
you are not with me

I have errands to run
things to get done
things to see
and places to be

where are you...
you are not with me


I'm supposed to be having fun
going to dinner
going shopping
I'm with him
out to eat
and bar hopping

where are you...
you are not with me


All these things, I have to do
I'm supposed to be out having a nice day
But all I can think is...
where are you, because
you are not here with me.

I miss you.

Have not blogged here in a while. I just reviewed the last entry. Thanks to those who left real comments. I found encouragement. Since last time I have disconnected myself from a lot of the negative persons that I had been around, and that has reduced my stress. I am still married to the one though. (still a drag) I'm doing the best I can where I am, making the most of what I've got. I know that sooner or later something has got to change, but I'm trying to come to some kind of logical way of working it out. It is not that, I am unable to confront, or deal with conflict. I just know that I am not the only person that changes will affect, and would like for change to take place as smooth, as possible, for the sake of all involved.
On the bright side, I know that God will make a way, He is the only one who really has any control anyway. Well, gtg, but I hope that all who read this will be blessed today.